last drop. it has been 2.5 weeks since the zombie invasion and my shoulder is still fucked. i still can't sleep on it normally or do pushups. this is a big problem. i do pushups in between things. i do them in between clients. in between classes. in between waking and living. when i start thinking too hard about too many things at once. either this thing needs to heal or i need to figure out something else to do in between times.

typing on my new netbook because of gaming laptop suicide issues. this one seems relatively well-adjusted. so excited to work on my book for a month. so excited to have a computer i can take to school.

condo confusion. to sell or to keep. i am leaning towards the sell. trying again. it is a heavy anchor and after i finish with CCP i no longer know when or to where i might be floating. ships set to sail. hmm.

hmmmmm.

i should probably start privatizing these things. but so few people read anymore so it doesn't feel too weird. and those who do.. those. like you. hey, how's it goin stranger? i like you. customization is for the birds (this one specifically). auspex augurs lay in wait. fucking bait me.

sometimes she wraps around me from behind when i'm not expecting it. stays there for a while. she lets out a long breath. she gives a look. soft. always cutting. i hold the stare as long as i can manage. i am host to a physiological light show. lights never felt. in 27 very odd years.

and on the other hand, i haven't felt this way since...

no labels, no worries. and it's so goddamn good.

one of my class poems won 3rd place in the poem category, and a chapter from my book won 2nd place in the fiction category. i win dublooons. teach said there were a lot of submissions this year, so this is kind of exciting to me! super-content to dwell in the top 3. but... but. now i have to read at next year's graduation. in front of a microphone.

ugh. months away and i'm already rushing the nervous adrenaline

neat, though. oober neat.

updated on the to-do-before-death list:

16. learn to play the ukulele.
17. find a bunny with a human scalp hat.

learning learning button pushing fearing quelling

liking less the world outside the blankets

very slightly nervous about the knee jerk

also, the occasional plug of the throat.

but. feeling it hard. and love.

clearly she has been on my mind.

the sweetness. wanting more.




can't wait for:

end of class tomorrow, ray visit, dillon visit, york band gig, christmas dinner at ty and lacey's. sleep.

i was a biter when i was little. my family had to train me to stop the way you train a puppy. my sister bore the brunt of it as was typically evident by the marks she wore up and down her arms.

i also had the forehead thing. it was nearly incapacitating when i was younger. the docs put me on headache medication for a long time, which obviously did nothing. i didn't have headaches. CAT scans. MRIs. next, my parents tried taking me to a series of chiropractic appointments. they tried to fix my head thing through my neck. i was 5. invasive, non-gentle techniques. they were swift, violent, and fucking scary. i would tremble and curl into myself every car ride to the office.

my sister would ride with us and go in and watch. she felt bad watching the faces i made. after the first visit, she offered me her arm for every appointment following. i would bite it. it felt better.

...

22 years since my last "adjustment". the chiro asked me if i cracked my own neck a lot. i said, yup. all the time. he said he can tell, and it's okay. then he called me a chiro-bator. hahaa! (eww)

aand fallen. i'm early. it's slightly uncomfortable.
but i don't mind. it's better than chest explosions.
there was a pillow. i think it will soften in time.

my work day has doubled. big-old-gap in between client 3 and 4. i'm gonna go grovel at the feet of my friendly neighborhood chiropractor.

last major homework night.

happy happy happy

*die*

Date:	2009-12-07 20:56
Subject:	exempli gratia
Security:	Public
Mood:	working

my brain: phineas food
school now: hungry hairy harpies

canceled client #5 of the week to work on homework today. realized too late that i had been working on things due thursday when i have a massive-piece-of-harpy-shit due tomorrow for another class. oh thank you livejournal for breaking up the service-learning self-reflective monotony to... allow for a separate form of reflection. the obnoxious, self-piteous kind. ha. but what is a journal if not for a place to whine? e.g.:

my shoulder is still buggered to hell from zombie day. my back is a wreck. i need a massage and possibly a swift-fisted blow to the nose.

to whine. to wine. i'm gonna pour me some to balance this coffee. big love for the foodery and their open-till-midnight offerings of caffeinated beverage.

...

and then and then there's this prismatic human-creature who has been sticking around and when i'm near her everything kinda stops hurting.

...

and the break is decidedly over. good on that. beating heavy and hard.

a = unrequited
b = reciprocated

Let x = <3 (a,b)
Let y = <3 (b,a)

Anxiety ~ = (1-x)y + x(1-y)

bed day. homework day. any minute now, date night. any minute 20 minutes from now.

finding the relevance, honing my intuition, loving the talking.

loving the laying, napping.

learning.

mmm.

wearing: one glove with fingers. one glove without. one black sock on left foot. one leg warmer on right leg. why do i have one of everything typically a pair? sitting in class, semi-prepared for my presentation. freezing wet jeans. sore neck. little sleep. smelling like beer.

alas, NY is not happening tonight. our house is warm (and disgusting). home after class to clean, eat, curl up in some pregnant pants and a blanket to watch a movie. i feel a longish bout of reclusive behaviour coming on. possibly some nyquil. potential mini-gatherings at most.

first snow of the season, big and fluffy.

falling and dropping. this up and down shit is encumbering. come onnn semester, let's be over.

it's amazing how a little creature can make everything better. mmmm. that and hours upon hours of homework do-age. and now i am next to done with my work for tomorrow (next... to...). stress slightly reduced. can't fucking wait until this class is over. just 2 more. 2 more. eff. if she gives me anything less than a B for this class i will shit on her stoop.

tonight my house will be warm.

i kinda like that so few people use this anymore. it's like screaming profanities in an empty house. sitting in a priest-less confession booth. it's 3 am and very little makes sense right now. no one is awake to talk to me and between my upstairs neighbor's rhythmic humping and their animals tearing across the living room, focus function is nil. finished a peer review tonight for a story written by a classmate. relatively well-written. reminiscent of dennis cooper. all sortsa loveliness. rape-rape-rape, male prostitution, heroin galore, overdoses, death. lullaby. why did i have to get his story? i hate reading about dope. i hate the emotions that bubble up when i remember the people who are gone. and i hate that i fiend for it anyway. super-ego spanks id. rock spanks scissors.

there is an angel. on my shoulder.

can't sleep. what's new?

2 classes canceled tomorrow. skipping the third. we get a 3% grade increase for perfect attendance, but i already have an A, and my GPA will mean fuckall once i transfer to temple (or wherever i end up going after this CCP affair). too much shit. to do.

music facilitates partial sanity retention-

Date:	2009-12-02 10:22
Subject:	8.5 hours.
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

or maybe it was just lack of sleep.

crash. feeling not so good today. litta-bitta misery. can't really figure out what's off. maybe i am eating too much soy. time to switch to seitan and almond things?

dad is 63!

dinner time soon now please. rabbit cooketh. a meal with fresh things. exhausted. work work work. with homework on top. i need pillows. and a bathmat. and a lamp. good things come to those who ALvwe4t wskjldc?Lk sjdhACW: A:JZ:G

I HAVE

...a bed. to sleep like normal people? andy and i are preparing for the housewarming party. writing my final sociology essay - the efficacy of don't ask, don't tell. easy A from B.O.D. next the presentation. then community involvement analysis. community involvement presentation (tomorrow's homework). this is my last week of sociology. a terribly pleasant thought.

wow - yeah. YEAH.. i did it. i went here. SHUT UP (directed towards those who would give me shit, who will never read this anyway, notably quynh, chevy, and andy. ha.) - http://astrology.about.com/od/scorpiolovematches/qt/ScorpioCap.htm

there are moths in my chest and butterflies in my stomach. i'm free-falling. i need a bungee or a parachute. and if not those things, then please, pleeease let there be a huge puffy pillow at the bottom. constant smiles amidst it all and i want it to last. i want this to last.

more attempts at domestic normalcy. i am going to go (dundun DUNNN) grocery shopping. like a real trip, not just cheerios-soy milk-pbj.

wish me luck.

things that hurt:

-pec minor/anterior delt from my highlighted solo attack of zombie-fighter hannah.
-a liiiitle tiny bone in my foot i feel might have snapped while sprinting/shrieking through the woods wearing stiff/steel-toed docs.
-sternocleidomastoid - and basically all my front neck muscles. from being the twitcher (after getting shot twice)
-my abs (from laughing my ass off)
-surprisingly, not my ass.

amazing amazing amazing

mama J is being the cuteness with shayne and it's almost too adorable.

also, she's back.

some physical pain, a little bit of nervous, a whole lot of happy.

one day i will sleep like normal people again.

and i'm the only one in the house who cannot flip on the sleep switch. so... i guess i'll do... this.

i ate turkey. and the dairy. and i don't CARE and it was GREAT. tomorrow, back to being mostly vegan. this was one of those lovely, cliché thanksgivings where i'm just sooo so grateful for the existence of everyone around me (and also for those less proximate) - fitting into my life so perfectly like a fucking puzzle. a reeeally pretty puzzle.

my sister is too often missing in my life and i cherish the moments when she is around. like now! YAH. tipsy chess with Q. Q-mai is my sister of another mister. chevy is same. soul fam. irreplaceable. dad. wendy. aunt liz. "AUNT LIZ. you must poop!" i demanded. i love how this is just... ya know, normal family conversation. aunt marcia made me a special plate of vegan fudge. AUNTS! the little ones are becoming less little. jason is 10. he used to follow me around and harrass me cutely; now he watches football with the bigger boys. the flame retardant play-torch has been passed to lauren, who is now 5. FIVE. i picked her up to hover above my father's bucolic, sprawling display of snow village so she could be lauren-zilla for a moment. the moment never ended until the end of their visit, and she spent the next few hours chasing me around like a dinosaur.

there are new friends, and then there are the oldest. there's family family and there is an elderly sarah palin doll in my dad's computer room, beneath the yarmulkes.

seams busting with so much love it's almost too much to bear. my chest is fluttery and it feels like anxiety but it's all good. so. i don't really know what to do with it, but it's keeping me awake and AHHH

christ and a halfawhore. a la. i worked my wrists off today. somehow they are still functioning. just saw one of my favorite clients. he was 30 minutes late for a 90 minute session, still paid me in full even though i had to cut it to an hour, and tipped me on top. also also and but ON TOP OF THAT he gave me a $50 gift card for my birthday. hot damn, man!

many internal seizures in regards to final stuffs for the semester. 3 presentations and many many papers. and a writing portfolio. trying to figure out amongst the social/family/work schedule when the cock i can fit it all in. probably more late nights to come. to come to come to come. one more client for the night and then i am headed to govinda's with carrie, pre-stir. since when is thanksgiving-eve the biggest bar night of the year? i am 27 and just find this out now? i mean. i don't really give a full shit. but i feel like that's something that maybe i should've been aware of.

aunt marcia is making vegan fudge and bringing it to me for thanksgiving. i heart so mudge.

just did the lease signing thing with my tenant's pop, so the condo is officially covered through june.

got some fan-fucking-tastic news about new years.

today is pretty perfect. there is one thing that could kick it up a notch, but that thing is left-coasting it.

eau de rainy ills

(he left me a note next to my clipped lock and i emailed him last night. good samaritan!)

from Ryan ***** <****@gmail.com>
to Robyn <nurakpi@gmail.com>

date Tue, Nov 24, 2009 at 10:33 AM
subject Re: stolen bike

Hi Robyn,

So I was riding my bike down Spruce and noticed out of the corner of my eye, there was a guy sitting on the 2nd step of that stoop IN the pouring rain, which is a clear sign something seems fishy. I still wasnt 100 % sure if he was cutting the lock, or even what kind of lock was on the bike, so I went around the block and this time was on the kimmel center side. He seemed to be scratching his ankle (which was closest to the bike) and I dont have the best vision so I still wasnt even that sure, plus it was raining = vision blurred. Sooo i went and tried to watch him from the side of the pizza place, and called the cops there. while i was describing where i was, etc, i saw him remove the bike and start heading towards broad street. i was still on the phone with the police, but hung up on them to follow the thief on my bike... i was stopped for like 15 seconds at the red light by cvs and rode as fast as the rain and by skinny bike tires would allow me, but when i got to broad street, he was nowhere in sight :( i think he was hispanic maybe about 30ish... grey hoody.

I live near 20th and south street, and have had 1 bike stolen and then the current bike i have has had all of its parts stolen at some point (back, front tire and seat). Thats prob the reason why i had a personal interest in trying to stop ur bike from being stolen.... Ironically, the ones that stole my bike did it in the rain as well. Same with the tires they stole...

Anyways, i wish i could have stopped him. U might get a nice deal on a bike for black friday though. :) take care.

----------------------

having your bike stolen is waaay better when you go home to be a big fat rulebreaker. a rulebreaking homework doer.

shit.

i'm falling.

it's wonderful.

fat and happy from vegan thanksgiving yesterday. a houseful of lovely friends, amazing food, and adorable creature? hard to beat.

emotions running strong. restraint restraint restraint. i've been holding so much back from the doing and saying and typing. some loves bare the verbal brunt of what gets released from the dam (mama J?) but there is so much held back. i'm almost afraid to be conscious when it is permissible to free. i feel like a nun who knows she will flee the convent. a nun with high blood pressure. an eating disorder.

sis is coming back to philly with me from thanksgiving at dad's! we are going to be extras in a zombie movie (student short film). clearly we are related because our mutual elation for this event is off the charts. yet another thing i can cross off my list of "things to do before death". become a zombie. one would think this would typically be the last thing checked?

assbang. caveman.